+++

"And here...is your gift"

"Ooh, what did you get me?"

"Open it"

"That is without doubt the best gift i've ever received"

+++

Nine months ago.

Late Evening. A modern apartment.

--

Oh god let him call now. Please, oh please let him call. I swear blind if you make him telephone me now I’ll never ask anything more. I swear to you I won’t. It’d be such a little, nothing task to you, such a tiny insignificant little motion. But please. Oh god, let him call.

Perhaps if I don’t think about it, if I forget about it entirely the phone will ring. That always happens. Yes. If I distract myself enough. Perhaps if I count to a thousand in twos or something...surely it’ll ring by then. Oh god.Two, four, six, eight, ten, twelve....Ring, oh please ring.

The clock isn’t helping much either. I won’t look. Quarter to midnight. No. I won’t look again. He said he’d phone at seven. That’s what he said. “I’ll call you when i’m done, at seven”. I’m sure that’s what he said. We were just saying goodbye as I stepped off the train and there were so many people but I’m sure that’s what he said. Perhaps I should call him. No. Never keep telephoning a man – if I keep doing that he’ll know I’m thinking of him and wanting him, and that makes them loathe you. But it’s been hours – days? No, hours. He couldn’t think I was annoying him. He said so when I called this morning. “Of course not!” he said. And then he didn’t have to say he’d call, he never had to say that to me. I never asked him. Did I? No. I’m sure I didn’t. No, he’d never tell me he’d call and then not bother. Oh god, don’t let him do that.

“I’ll call you when i’m done, at seven” he said. And the train was ever so busy. Damned rush hour. And so loud, but he said it. Oh god, let him call. I have to stop this. This is so stupid. Suppose somebody says to somebody else that they’ll call and then of course something happens and they can’t. Surely that’s not so bad is it? I’m sure right this second it’s happening all over...yes. But oh, I don’t care. Why won’t you ring? Do something. Oh how I loathe you, I ought to smash you to bits. I hate you, I hate you.

No. I absolutely must think of something else. Yes, that’s what i’ll do. Perhaps if I leave the room. Then I can’t look at the clock or that damned phone. I’ll hear it ring, run to it and he’ll be right there on the other line. And I’ll be ever so nice and he’ll apologise for how late he is calling me and it’ll be fine. Calm and sweet. It’s so hard to be these things to someone after you’ve fallen in love with them. And I think he likes me too. Oh he must. He’d never have wanted to see me today if he didn’t. So you see he must. You see god? He must like me so you must, must, must make him call me.

Two, four, six, eight...perhaps he isn’t going to call me. Perhaps he’s coming here to surprise me. Oh but he mustn’t see me like this. If he does he’ll think me possessive. Then I must calm myself. Perhaps he’s on his way right now. Perhaps something has happened to him. Oh no, nothing could ever happen. I won’t imagine anything happening, i won’t. I won’t picture him run over. Lying broken in the road. No, no, no. I couldn’t, I couldn’t. “I’ll call you when i’m done, at seven”. Oh I wish he were dead. That’s foolish, I don’t mean that.

Oh, how ridiculous. Wishing somebody dead because they haven’t called. Oh I’m going mad. Wait. That clock could be wrong, i’ve no idea the time. It could be fast. Perhaps it’s much earlier. Midnight, perhaps it is fast. I’ll call him....yes....I shall....07....no. Oh god, oh god. Why doesn’t he call me? It’d be so easy to call him. Then I’d know. He won’t mind. Sometimes people try to reach you and the telephone doesn’t ring, perhaps I ought to check the line. I’m not just comforting myself god, it happens. Just keep me from the phone, please do that.

I’ll think of something else. Sit here very quietly. Oh if only i could sit still and calm. Perhaps turn on the television. Yes. But all of the television shows are full of people in love, calling each other. Why broadcast that? People never do that. It’s a lie. A complete lie. They never call, never, never, never.

No. I won’t. I’ll leave it switched off. There’s no use getting excitable. Just suppose he were someone I don’t know very well. Suppose he were one of my friends. Then I’d just call right up and say “well what happened to you?”. Casual. Yes, I’ll do that. There’s no reason why I can’t be just because I love him. It’ll be so lovely and casual. But supposing it’s not. Oh god, I take it back, I take it all back don’t let me call him.

So you’re really not going to let him call me? Not even for a moment? I’ve never asked for much. Please, just a minute. Just to hear his voice. Not even right this minute, just soon. Please let it be soon. I’ll count to a thousand in twos slowly while I wait. And if he hasn’t by then I swear I’ll call him. Oh god, let him call before then. Please.

Two, four, six, eight, ten, twelve, fourteen, sixteen...

--

“Hello, baby”